Have you licked your troop today?
by Steven Wells
Oct 31-Nov 5, 2007
During the Vietnam War returning troops were spat onspat on, I tell
youby filthy, disgusting hippie antiwar protesters. This disgusting
spitting (on troops, by hippies) happened so often that it entered
folklore and was enshrined in the American consciousness by films
like First Blood and Hamburger Hill. And it's regularly dusted off
and wheeled out by right-wing talk radio chickenhawks as further
proof that pacifists are worse than Nazis.
This is a terrible burden for today's antiwar movement. But I have
the solution: Modern-day peaceniks should greet troops returning from
Iraq by symbolically licking the spit off them. And instead of
marching on Washington to shout abuse at the commander in chief (who
is, after all, a symbolic Super Troop), we should line up to
symbolically lick the symbolic spit off his fake symbolic cowboy boots.
Hell, while we're at it, maybe we should rethink this whole "antiwar"
thing. We should accept the argument made by the president and his
choir of house-trained right-wing howler monkeys that it's impossible
to support the troops and not support whatever illogical, unjustified
and illegal war the president feels like starting.
In which case, as we all desperately want to be seen as supporting
the troops, let's call for more wars, longer wars and bigger wars.
Because we just love our troops so much.
My god, that mass spitting (on troops, by hippies) must have been
horrible. All those thousands of verminous traitors coughing up
gallons of drug-clogged snot onto the troops must have made
horrifying news footage.
So isn't it odd that none exists? Or that the documentary evidence
for any demonstrator even breathing moistly in the general direction
of a troop is so thin that sociology professor Jerry Lembckehimself
a Vietnam vetwrote a book about it called The Spitting Image?
The reason being, of course, that the spitting almost certainly never
happened. And one of the reasons it never happened was that the
antiwar activists who stopped the Vietnam War weren't beamed down
from Planet Hippie. As we saw in the recently released documentary
Sir! No Sir!, the dudes who stopped the war were America's Marines,
soldiers and Air Force themselves, by refusing to fight and by
swelling the ranks of the antiwar movement. And despite the claims of
right-wing "spitboat" vets who've since come forward to claim they
were personally spit on, comrades don't tend to spit on comrades.
In which case perhaps we'd better shelve the troop-licking idea and
demand (as politely as possible) that all the troops are brought home. Now.