February 19, 2008
Posted by Frank J.
Unfortunately, American society has gotten lax on hippie punching to
the point I thought I should write an FAQ to better explain the issue
to those who don't currently engage in the punching of hippies.
Hopefully one day this will all become so natural again that a hippie
punching FAQ will be about as necessary as a flipping people off in
HIPPIE PUNCHING FAQ
Q. Where is best to punch a hippie?
A. About the face. That's where the hippie is most annoying.
Q. What is a hippie?
A. Generally, a hippie is an annoying, useless. Actually, less than
useless, as they are not happy until they prevent other people from
being useful as well. In fact, Scientists have determined that the
only evolutionary purpose of a hippie is for punching as a stress
release for productive members of society.
Q. Are there any other uses for hippies than punching them?
A. No, there are no other uses.
Q. Couldn't they be ground up and used as chum?
A. They're too gummy.
Q. Where do hippies come from?
A. There's basically waste products of a productive society, as they
only come from middle class to upper middle class families. Thus its
important for parents to make sure they tell children the importance
of not being a hippie while also making them cut the lawn and do
other non-hippie, productive activities.
Q. Where can hippies be found?
A. Their main habitat is the college campus and can be found in the
vicinity thereof. Occasionally they have mass migrations to city
areas to work as a large group (a group of hippies is known as a
"protest") to make loud noises and annoy people. In this way, they
are like geese, except with more excrement. Also, they have large puppets.
Q. What are the benefits of punching hippies?
A. What aren't? It gives you exercise, increases your intelligence
and sexual prowess, helps the economy, defeats terrorism, and helps
orphans find families. Also, scientists say that each time you punch
a hippie, they get one step closer to curing cancer.
Q. Hippies smell. Do I have to worry about getting that smell on my fist?
A. Always carry around hand sanitizer in case you punch a hippie.
Make sure to put it on your knuckles.
Q. Is it okay to punch a hippie on a Sunday?
A. Check local laws. Some counties have blue laws preventing striking
hippies on a Sunday. Other think that's the best day for punching hippies.
Q. Just to be clear, are you talking about physically striking
hippies or are you talking metaphorically about "punching" hippies
through rhetorical means or through your actions against narcissistic
A. Can't it be both?
Q. Well, one of those is a valid point and the other I'm pretty sure
A. Maybe you're a hippie.
Q. Since you're writing both sides of this FAQ, you're actually
accusing yourself of being hippie.
A. Shut up. I really hate you.
Q. Now this is getting a little weird.
A. You're the reason dad never loved me!
A. Why won't you die!
Q. Okay... let's dial this down a little. It's not me you're angry
at. It's them. They're the ones at fault. Remember?
A. Are you going to have me hurt people again?
Q. That is not your concern. You do what I tell you, or I will make
your life miserable. Do you understand?
A. I understand.
Q. Where does the term "hippie" come from?
A. It's derived from the word hipster.