By Bob Boldt
Pigasus is back. Yes the granddaughter of the now-famed Grandpa
Pigasus, the pig who ran for president in '68, is back! She is
running on the newly formed DIPPIE party – an offshoot splinter group
composed largely of 60-plus year-old Hippies and former members of
the YIPPIE Party.
The Beltway rumor mill is abuzz with the emergence of this (excuse
the expression) dark horse candidate. Actually once upon a time a
horse really did serve with honor in the Roman Senate – but that was
long, ago in far, far better times. The precocious porker has one up
on both the Democrats and the Republicans, being as how she is the
first female, non-human to ever run for the presidency. This is
certain to give her a big bump in the polls.
The DIPPIEs – which stands for the Depends International Party
withdrew their support from candidate, John McCain when it was
discovered he didn't use Depends elder-diapers, but another leading
brand. They also withdrew their copy-written slogan "Continence over
Competence" from his campaign as well. This move has already created
something of a groundswell of defections of many of McCain's
lobbyist-advisers whose motto is "Follow the Pork."
The candidacy of this latest Independent in the race has met with the
same fate as Ron Paul, Ralph Nader and Cynthia McKinney: No mention
of them ever crosses the lips of either of the leading Party
candidates. The cat (excuse another mammalian metaphor) was nearly
let out of the bag last week with the oblique references to "lipstick
on a pig" made by Barack Obama.
In a carefully coordinated bipartisan effort, both the McCain and
Obama campaign committees, deflected the gaffe by fictitiously
ascribing the motivation for Obama's remark to an attempt to defame
VP candidate, Sarah Palin, instead of the actual reference to
Even Sarah herself who was raised on Moose meat and venison was heard
to remark off the cuff recently that she preferred pork. This
ill-advised attempt to ignore the 300 pound pig in the room will not
succeed. Actually Pigasus, in preparation for a rigorous round of
campaigning, has just completed an intensive diet and exercise
regimen under the supervision of Jack LaLanne and has trimmed down to
a svelte 230 pounds. Once the voters get a taste of "the other white
meat" they are certain to desert the two leading Party candidates in droves.
Already many voters in the farm states of Indiana, Missouri and Iowa
are starting to swing over to Pigasus. Owing to the presence of vast
corporate pig farms, pigs actually outnumber people in these
states. Due to the superior intelligence of pigs over most
Republican voters, many local pigs have been able to register to vote
and even run for local office.
At this time it seems to be problematic as to exactly how Pigasus
will be able to attract the Jewish vote. Rumor does have it though
that even her campaign has received under the trough funding from the
pro-Israel lobby, AIPAC. Please stay tuned for further
developments. This campaign season the expression "Pigs are on the
wing!" has never been truer!