By Jerry Della Femina
Going to print a re-run this week. This is a column that first ran in
2005. Nothing changes. Hollywood is still filled with people who've
made a mess of their own lives telling people how to live and whom
they should vote for.
Jane Fonda is terrible in bed. She's dumb and she's not a nice person.
Let me quickly point out I don't know any of this first-hand. But it
doesn't take a genius to figure it out.
In her desire to push her lousy new book, My Life So Far, Fonda has
revealed that every man in her life molded her into whatever he
wanted her to be.
Her first husband, freaky Frenchman Roger Vadim, was into threesomes.
Now for my female readers let me say that what you are about to read
is the kind of inside information on men that you'll only find in this column.
No man will ever admit to this, but being in a "threesome" (having
sex with two women at the same time) is the number one male fantasy
in the world.
Just the thought of a being in threesome will cause just about every
man to start to drool and have a stupid glint in his eyes.
Will a man admit this? Never. Take my word for this, ladies. If you
ask your husband or boyfriend if he has fantasies about a threesome,
he will put his arm around your shoulder, give you a hug and mumble
something like, "No sir, I don't think about that stuff, sweetheart.
You're all the woman I need!"
This is an out and out lie.
If you should then persist and ask him to tell you what his number
one fantasy is, your guy will say something ridiculous like, "My
fantasy is to play shortstop for the New York Yankees." That's an
even bigger lie. Being in bed with two women is the number one
fantasy of Derek Jeter, and he plays shortstop for the New York Yankees.
Back to Fonda.
In her book she talks about joining freaky Roger in bed with another
woman. And Jane, who was pretty luscious in her Barbarella days,
didn't stop there. She reveals in interviews that she would go out
and pick up women and bring them home to Roger.
I can just hear her saying, "There . . . there . . . Roger, don't
move a muscle. You're going to need all the rest you can get. I'll go
out. Would you prefer a blond tonight? Or perhaps a redhead? How
about a brunette?"
So what did Roger do after a short time?
He got bored and dumped her.
Her next husband was political activist Tom Hayden. A drunk and a
dope addict. So what did Jane do? She joined him and became addicted
to Dexedrine. She also became bulimic and since he was a peace
activist and was against the war in Vietnam, Fonda went to Hanoi
during the war, acting like a selfish Hollywood pig. She posed at an
anti-aircraft gun the North Vietnamese used to shoot down American pilots.
She also had the nerve to "interview American prisoners of war."
Senator John McCain said he was tortured by his guards for refusing
to meet with Jane Fonda and her group. Fonda referred to the
returning POWs as being "hypocrites and liars."
She told a University of Michigan audience of some 2000 students, "If
you understood what Communism was, you would hope, you would pray on
your knees that we would some day become Communist."
Communist that she was, she made some stupid workout tape and
promptly made $17 million.
Despite the money, Hayden insisted that they live in what she
described as a "shack." All of the money she made went into Hayden's
political organization. He blew it all.
On her 51st birthday, Hayden told her he had fallen in love with someone else.
Husband number three was the loony millionaire Ted Turner. He got her
to move and live in Atlanta and root for the Atlanta Braves, which is
worse than anything she had to do for Roger or Tom.
I can just imagine what their life was like.
"Ted, do we have to go to that lousy stadium and do that stupid
Tomahawk Chop again? Can't we stay home and I'll go out and get you
some women?" Turner said, "No." I told you he was a loony.
Fonda discovered Turner was cheating on her just a month after their
marriage. She hit him on the head with a car phone when she found out.
Turner finally left her for a woman he called his "backup."
Now you know all there is to know about Jane Fonda. Do me a favor –
don't buy her lousy book.
A side note to my wife, The Beautiful Judy Licht: I only thought
about being Fonda's husband number four for a few minutes. I do want
to play shortstop for the New York Yankees.
If you wish to comment on "Jerry's Ink," send your message to email@example.com.