10 ways to know if you're really black enough

10 ways to know if you're really black enough

http://www.philly.com/dailynews/opinion/104119754.html?cmpid=15585797

Oct. 1, 2010

The city has recently been engaged in a National Conversation on
Race, otherwise known as "Who's black enough?"

As a public service, we figured it was time to help folks figure out
whether they themselves are black enough, so we e-mailed our
consultant on these matters.

Here's what he had to say.

It's not easy: Black is not a color. It's a state of mind.

That's why Tom Jones is blacker than Clarence Thomas.

It's why Mario Von Peebles is just as black as Jesse Jackson.

It's why we hailed Bill Clinton as the first black president, and
laughed those corny parts right off Vanilla Ice's head.

Blackness is not in the way you walk, either.

You can stroll like Rollo from "Sanford and Son" and still not be black enough.

It's not in the way you talk either. You can roll your neck like
Willona from "Good Times" and still miss the mark.

The fact of the matter is, all black people don't walk the same way.
Nor do we talk the same way. But whether you're from the 'hood or
from the 'burbs, whether you're a millionaire or a corner boy, there
are 10 things you should know if you're black. And if you don't know
these things, well I'm afraid you're just not black enough.

1. You know you're black enough if you understand that Black Man's
Dressing isn't Caesar, ranch, blue cheese or Italian. Black Man's
Dressing is hot sauce. That's right. We put that s--- on everything.

2. You know you're black enough if you've ever been all up in the
Kool-Aid and don't know the flavor.

3. You know you're black enough if your mom ever bought you $1.99
sneakers at the supermarket and the neighborhood kids sang the bobos
song until you threw them up on the wire down the block.

4. You know you're black enough if you know one verse of the Negro
National Anthem, and you routinely lip synch the rest.

5. You know you're black enough if Vaseline was the household lotion,
penicillin, bike-chain lubricant, hair grease and gladiator armor for girls.

6. You know you're black enough if anyone in your family has pictures
of King, Kennedy and Malcolm X hanging on the dining-room wall.

7. You know you're black enough if you've ever seen someone catch the
Holy Ghost, but drop their wig.

8. You know you're black enough if you watched that same person's
holy shout morph into the Stanky Leg.

9. You know you're black enough if you threatened to call the
Department of Human Services on your mom, and she handed you the phone.

10. Finally, you know you're black enough if in spite of - indeed
because of - all those things, you turned out just a little bit better.

So go ahead, Bill Clinton. Claim your blackness. Tom Jones, you get a
brother pass, too.Eminem, I'm sorry, my man.

Maybe next time. But look on the bright side. At least you don't have
to pretend you like hot sauce anymore.

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